get thee to a monastery

I've had difficulty explaining this in the past, but this image from postsecret.com revealed how simple it is to just say it.
The monastic life appeals to me. I enjoy solitude, I enjoy silent contemplation. I would make a very good monk, I think.
Only problem is, I am not religious.

I dropped out of college in 2001 with the very specific goal of becoming a monk. I was going to join The Brothers and Sisters of Charity, a Catholic monastic community. Because my beliefs allow an appreciation of different perspectives, I figured being a Catholic monk was as good as anything.
This is how I learned about cognitive dissonance first-hand. At first I thought something was wrong with me. I felt ill, uneasy--was I entering a new phase of depression? Was I sick? But after several months and a conversation with Michael, I realized I was just trying to believe something I genuinely did not believe. My mental faculties were affecting my physical faculties. Or at least, this theory explains why I no longer felt this un-ease the day after I decided to not become a Catholic monk.

And then I floated aimlessly--by this point I had entered management at a store in Nashville, and I was dating Katie. I still followed my philosophical interests, but entertaining the idea that I would marry Katie effectively nullified the idea that I'd be a monk.
And then madness--my depression became an insurmountable obstacle. I had gotten stuck in a rut, and generally thought, "I'll do what's important later." Living a life without meaning, it turned out, meant I found life to be (duh) meaningless.
Kate had gone to London and, even though we still suspected we'd still get married, we weren't together any longer. A serendipitous trip to Bridgeport had redirected me to Buddhist studies, and to The Nyingma Institute.

The rest of the story is long, and is just a story. The fact of the matter is, I still feel like this is the life I'm best suited for, and I don't know how to live it. Nyingma is still an attractive idea, but Berkeley is not on my radar right now. The question is not, where can I go to live like this? It is, how can I live like this, everywhere I am?
It's easy to have a goal, when there's an established path (e.g., If I were Catholic, I could follow the example of other Catholic monks). But without a literal role-model, I am not sure what I'm looking to become.
My beliefs, at least, tell me that I will become whatever I become, and that if I "follow my heart," then I'll continue to be where I want to be.
So far, so good.

bodhisattva (detail)

[from my livejournal post 5/26/2008]

Basically, life is getting more real. Happiness, disappointment, diseases, and life goes on. Books become escape, and aren't actually lovers and children. They are books as sadly as television is television. Everything is as it is, rather than how I saw it or experienced it.
It feels like the start of a fall, when your feet are still technically on the ground, when it's just so barely beyond the horizon of potential recovery. But it doesn't feel like falling, it just feels like that exact position, before your brain even deals with noticing you can't do anything, before even notices what you might do if it weren't that moment too late.

But it doesn't feel bad.

Also, I'm redefining my life. I started with the idea of love, and now I'm on to exploring heroes. It's like sound, and peeling away all the dark grey and red and yellow-ochre and dark green and steel-blue tendrils, everything that's attached but you know is not quite purely the sound, until all that's left is the only-thing-worth-living-for, comfortably-reassuring "om." It's remembering, step by step, in detail, that the "om" is in there, in everything, and that the panic or fear or happiness or whatever you're feeling is an illusion, because you know true peace and happiness and love, and you know "this" isn't it, no matter how good or real it feels, because even when you forget what nirvana feels like, you at least remember it feels better than this.
And also, since these illusions are there, then you have to understand it's most rational to assume you put them in there, for some better or worse reason. If you figure out which were for good reasons and which for bad reasons, and if you decide to replace the ones that were "for good," then still remember that you're placing illusions between yourself and nirvana. Remember it's unnecessary, and remember later why you did it, for what good reasons you did it. Because if you're not still pursuing that "good" goal, then your illusions aren't doing you any good any more. And remember that, ultimately, they never were, never are, and never will.

Help Wanted

I woke up with a stick in my ass (not literally; I haven't slept outdoors in a week), and decided to take it out on Twitter. Here it is, collected:

Why are our politicians so focused on creating jobs, rather than creating alternatives? And why are Americans waiting for them to do it?

Seriously, I don't give a fuck if you create jobs. I don't want a job. You're making a scenario in which I NEED a job.

What does it say about you, that you say I need what you can create in order to live? And you call yourself humble in the eyes of the Lord??

I don't need a job, I need food. I need a roof, and warmth. When taken for granted, a job seems like the easiest way to secure these things.
But the reality of the job is, you're asking me to expend so much of my energy for your benefit, in exchange for so little of my own. It would be different if it were a job I cared about, cared for. But I am not encouraged to find that, prepare for that.
If I were, the education system would have greater support, and supporting programs. But no, even if I wanted to go to school, that is an extracurricular activity, on my own dime (or! even better! an opportunity to encourage our debt-based economy! once again, I work for you!).
I don't need a job, I need food. I don't need school, I need an education. Both of which I, collaborating with my friends and family, with people who are passionate and compassionate, can obtain without you--and, I feel, cannot obtain WITH you.

So you, standing there, thinking you're telling me why I should vote for you: tell me why I should vote for you. Why I should support you. Why I should even care about your America, when you don't seem to care about mine.