get thee to a monastery

I've had difficulty explaining this in the past, but this image from postsecret.com revealed how simple it is to just say it.
The monastic life appeals to me. I enjoy solitude, I enjoy silent contemplation. I would make a very good monk, I think.
Only problem is, I am not religious.

I dropped out of college in 2001 with the very specific goal of becoming a monk. I was going to join The Brothers and Sisters of Charity, a Catholic monastic community. Because my beliefs allow an appreciation of different perspectives, I figured being a Catholic monk was as good as anything.
This is how I learned about cognitive dissonance first-hand. At first I thought something was wrong with me. I felt ill, uneasy--was I entering a new phase of depression? Was I sick? But after several months and a conversation with Michael, I realized I was just trying to believe something I genuinely did not believe. My mental faculties were affecting my physical faculties. Or at least, this theory explains why I no longer felt this un-ease the day after I decided to not become a Catholic monk.

And then I floated aimlessly--by this point I had entered management at a store in Nashville, and I was dating Katie. I still followed my philosophical interests, but entertaining the idea that I would marry Katie effectively nullified the idea that I'd be a monk.
And then madness--my depression became an insurmountable obstacle. I had gotten stuck in a rut, and generally thought, "I'll do what's important later." Living a life without meaning, it turned out, meant I found life to be (duh) meaningless.
Kate had gone to London and, even though we still suspected we'd still get married, we weren't together any longer. A serendipitous trip to Bridgeport had redirected me to Buddhist studies, and to The Nyingma Institute.

The rest of the story is long, and is just a story. The fact of the matter is, I still feel like this is the life I'm best suited for, and I don't know how to live it. Nyingma is still an attractive idea, but Berkeley is not on my radar right now. The question is not, where can I go to live like this? It is, how can I live like this, everywhere I am?
It's easy to have a goal, when there's an established path (e.g., If I were Catholic, I could follow the example of other Catholic monks). But without a literal role-model, I am not sure what I'm looking to become.
My beliefs, at least, tell me that I will become whatever I become, and that if I "follow my heart," then I'll continue to be where I want to be.
So far, so good.

bodhisattva (detail)

[from my livejournal post 5/26/2008]

Basically, life is getting more real. Happiness, disappointment, diseases, and life goes on. Books become escape, and aren't actually lovers and children. They are books as sadly as television is television. Everything is as it is, rather than how I saw it or experienced it.
It feels like the start of a fall, when your feet are still technically on the ground, when it's just so barely beyond the horizon of potential recovery. But it doesn't feel like falling, it just feels like that exact position, before your brain even deals with noticing you can't do anything, before even notices what you might do if it weren't that moment too late.

But it doesn't feel bad.

Also, I'm redefining my life. I started with the idea of love, and now I'm on to exploring heroes. It's like sound, and peeling away all the dark grey and red and yellow-ochre and dark green and steel-blue tendrils, everything that's attached but you know is not quite purely the sound, until all that's left is the only-thing-worth-living-for, comfortably-reassuring "om." It's remembering, step by step, in detail, that the "om" is in there, in everything, and that the panic or fear or happiness or whatever you're feeling is an illusion, because you know true peace and happiness and love, and you know "this" isn't it, no matter how good or real it feels, because even when you forget what nirvana feels like, you at least remember it feels better than this.
And also, since these illusions are there, then you have to understand it's most rational to assume you put them in there, for some better or worse reason. If you figure out which were for good reasons and which for bad reasons, and if you decide to replace the ones that were "for good," then still remember that you're placing illusions between yourself and nirvana. Remember it's unnecessary, and remember later why you did it, for what good reasons you did it. Because if you're not still pursuing that "good" goal, then your illusions aren't doing you any good any more. And remember that, ultimately, they never were, never are, and never will.

Help Wanted

I woke up with a stick in my ass (not literally; I haven't slept outdoors in a week), and decided to take it out on Twitter. Here it is, collected:

Why are our politicians so focused on creating jobs, rather than creating alternatives? And why are Americans waiting for them to do it?

Seriously, I don't give a fuck if you create jobs. I don't want a job. You're making a scenario in which I NEED a job.

What does it say about you, that you say I need what you can create in order to live? And you call yourself humble in the eyes of the Lord??

I don't need a job, I need food. I need a roof, and warmth. When taken for granted, a job seems like the easiest way to secure these things.
But the reality of the job is, you're asking me to expend so much of my energy for your benefit, in exchange for so little of my own. It would be different if it were a job I cared about, cared for. But I am not encouraged to find that, prepare for that.
If I were, the education system would have greater support, and supporting programs. But no, even if I wanted to go to school, that is an extracurricular activity, on my own dime (or! even better! an opportunity to encourage our debt-based economy! once again, I work for you!).
I don't need a job, I need food. I don't need school, I need an education. Both of which I, collaborating with my friends and family, with people who are passionate and compassionate, can obtain without you--and, I feel, cannot obtain WITH you.

So you, standing there, thinking you're telling me why I should vote for you: tell me why I should vote for you. Why I should support you. Why I should even care about your America, when you don't seem to care about mine.

Inviting Fear, by Ajahn Amaro

Above all, a materialistic society desires certainty-it seeks to guarantee it; passes laws to enforce it; wipes our the pathogens that threaten it; and lets everyone have guns to protect it. Even the seemingly innocuous habits of inking in plans and clinging to beliefs and opinions are the reverse-image of the uncertainties that the heart yearns to be certain about.

Yet, if we seek security in that which is inherently uncertain, dukkha, or discontent, is the inevitable result.

Fear is a discomfiting friend. The impulse is to get to a place of safety, but where in the phenomenal world-either mental or physical-could that be? The insight of the Buddha, informed by his own experiences of exploring fear and dread, encourages us to make a 180-degree turn. Whereas the instinct is to shrink away from the threatening aspects of life, his injunction for those who wish to free the heart is to contemplate frequently the following:


I am of the nature to age, I have not gone beyond aging;
I am of the nature to sicken, I have not gone beyond sickness;
I am of the nature to die, I have not gone beyond dying;
All that is mine, beloved and pleasing, will become
otherwise, will become separated from me.



For that which is threatening to the ego is liberating for the heart.

By turning to face the inarguable facts of nature, the habit of investing in unstable realms is interrupted. It shines the light of wisdom on the issue, reveals that we've been looking for certainty in the wrong place, and thus frees up the attention to realize where security can be found.

This needs to be examined in the light of personal experience, but in traditional Buddhist terminology, such security is said to be found in the Triple Gem: the Buddha-the awakened, knowing faculty of the heart; the Dharma-the truth of the way things are; and the Sangha-the noble, unselfish response. For when the awakened heart knows the way things truly are, what springs forth is harmonious and virtuous action. Undiscriminating awareness is dependable. The reality of Nature is dependable. Harmony is possible.

How can we arrive at such security?

There are many ways to meditate on fear. One is to wait until it appears adventitiously. Another is to invite it in-when we send out invitations we can be a little better prepared for who shows up at the party.

Perhaps for both methods of approach the first thing to bear in mind is that fear is not the enemy-it is nature's protector; it only becomes troublesome when it oversteps its bounds. In order to deal with fear we must take a fundamentally noncontentious attitude toward it, so it's not held as "My big fear problem" but rather "Here is fear that has come to visit." Once we take this attitude, we can begin to work with fear.

*

Begin by sitting quietly and focusing the attention as clearly as possible on the present moment, using a simple tranquil object to establish equilibrium-the natural rhythm of the breath is good for this purpose for most people, moving in the empty space of the heart .

*

Once such centeredness has been established, deliberately bring to mind something that will arouse a fear reaction. For example,

"Anthrax in the mail"
"Nuclear war"
"Suicide bombers"

-or any other memory, imagined possibility, or Image that triggers the compulsive effect.

*

Once the seed crystal has been dropped into the mental pool and the consequent flow of thoughts and images has begun, make a definite and concerted effort to withdraw the attention from the stories the thoughts are telling. Bring it instead into the sensations of the physical body.

Where do I feel the fear? What is its texture?
Is it hot or cold?
Is it painful? Rigid? Elastic?

We are not necessarily looking for verbal answers to all these questions; rather, we are just trying to find the feeling, accept it completely, and not add anything to it.

"Fear feels like this."

Many find that fear locates itself primarily in the solar plexus, sitting like a tightened knot in the belly. Just feel it, know it, open the heart to it as much as possible. We're not trying to pretend or force ourselves to like it, but it is here-right now it's the way things are.

*

Let this process run for at least ten minutes, then consciously let it wind down-not suppressing it, but, as when it's time for guests to leave, make the hints, and let the event wind down naturally. It might take a while, but that's fine; just let it run out at its own pace. During this time, reestablish the breath as a focal point, and use the exhalation to support the fading of the fear-wave.

*

Once it has come to an end, focus the attention on the feeling of the breath, moving as before in the empty space of the heart. Let the heart be clearly conscious that the fear cycle has come to cessation: it arose out of emptiness, returned to emptiness. It was florid and impactful in its appearance, but the overarching quality, now having been seen directly, is its transiency.

Now we know ...

The effect of this practice is to train the heart, so that when the next wave of fear arises, from whatever quarter, something in us knows. The intuitive wisdom faculty is awakened and recognizes: "I know this scenario-don't panic-it looks impressive, but it's just the fear reaction." It becomes vastly easier to avoid being sucked into the vortex of anxiety.

The feeling is not pleasant, but the heart knows, with absolute certainty: "It's only a feeling." And if action needs to be taken, then that action will be motivated by wisdom, kindness, and sensitivity to time and place rather than by neurotic reactivity and habit.

Amaro Bhikkhu is co-abbot of Abhayagiri Monastery in northern California, in the lineage of Ajahn Chah and the Thai forest tradition. He has been a monk for twenty-three years.This article was published in Tricycle Magazine.

Intention

It is like radio static. Sometimes you cannot hear the song at all. Sometimes you can, mostly. And sometimes you think you are hearing it just fine but, if you fiddle with the knob (yes, in my thirty-odd-year-old mind, radios still have knobs), suddenly the signal comes with such fidelity that you are amazed you thought it was clear before.

Good morning.

There is something, some sense... I have referred to it as a path, as love, as many equally misleading names. I believe it is what Socrates referred to as his "sign," and what Philip Pullman characterized as a daemon in the His Dark Materials trilogy. I will not tell you it is my soul, my calling... though these (and other names) are things I have called it in the past. All I know is, there is something that seems to produce that sense of fidelity in my life.

It is why I do whatever I do. It is the silence that draws me and, sometimes, the noise that distracts me. My opinions of the past are colored by my mindfulness: "x was a good choice, because it was involving this sense; y was a bad choice, because it was not." The present moment will become the colored past soon enough, and mistakes are not anathema.

While in Texas recently, I began reading The Way of Practical Attainment. It returned to me that sense of fidelity. I saw clearly the stories I had been telling myself, and I also saw that "I see clearly the stories" is also a story. I understand that my idea of progress is not seeing past the stories, but rather to follow this sense like Ariadne's string as the stories continue. (Such stories, being insubstantial, cannot be obstacles unless I, in my mind, give them substance.)

I heard a quote recently, which said something like, "There are days when I do not want to practice my yoga. I do it anyway, and I never regret having done it afterward." I have no regrets, but those things which are most like regrets are the actions I took in lieu of practicing this nameless sense.

It is to practice this sense that I have made some radical decisions. I do not regret the times that I have embraced it, and I have regretted the times when I let it go. Straying from this, in fact, invalidates all decisions I previously believed were made in, literally, "good faith."

I am not afraid to make mistakes (including, perhaps, the mistake of being afraid) and I am also not afraid of dropping the string. It is this sense above all that I want in life, and I know I will always return to this, and I know that enduring what I do not want with this is preferable to enduring what I do want without it.

More Practical Attainment

If the three ways of practice are analysed, they will reveal the eightfold noble path, the four viewpoints to be considered, the four right procedures, the five faculties of power to be employed, and the perfection of six practices.

The Noble Eightfold Path refers to right view, right thought, right speech, right behavior, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration.

.Right View means to thoroughly understand the Fourfold Truth, to believe in the law of cause and effect and not to be deceived by appearances and desires.
.Right Thought means the resolution not to cherish desires, not to be greedy, not to be angry, and not to do any harmful deed.
.Right Speech means the avoidance of lying words, idle words, abusive words, and double-tongues.
.Right Behavior means not to destroy any life, not to steal, or not to commit adultery.
.Right Livelihood means to avoid any life that would bring shame.
.Right Effort means to try to do one's best diligently toward the right direction.
.Right Mindfulness means to maintain a pure and thoughtful mind.
.Right Concentration means to keep the mind right and tranquil for its concentration, seeking to realize the mind's pure essence.

The four view-points to be considered are:

.First, to consider the body impure, seeking to remove all attachments to it.
.Second, to consider the senses as a source of suffering, whatever their feelings of pain or pleasure may be.
.Third, to consider the mind to be in a constant state of flux.
.Fourth, to consider everything in the world as being a consequence of causes and conditions and that nothing remains unchanged forever.

The four right procedures* are:

.First, to prevent any evil from starting.
.Second, to remove any evil as soon as it starts.
.Third, to induce the doing of good deeds.
.Fourth, to encourage the growth and continuance of good deeds that have already started.

One must endeavor to keep these four procedures.

The five faculties of power are:

.First, the faith to believe.
.Second, the will to make the endeavor.
.Third, the faculty of alertness.
.Fourth, the ability to concentrate one's mind.
.Fifth, the ability to maintain clear wisdom.

These five faculties are necessary powers to attain Enlightenment.

The perfection of six practices for reaching the other shore of Enlightenment are:

.The path of offering
.The path of keeping precepts
.The path of endurance
.The path of endeavor
.The path of concentration of mind
.The path of wisdom.

*it was interesting to notice, as I was copying this, how these four items resembled the four intentions I set at the beginning of 2012:
.Strength (remember your convictions)
.Discipline (be mindful of wavering from your intentions)
.Compassion (seek to provide compassion; don't just wait for people to seek it from you)
.Generosity (what do you have but what you've learned? continue in earnest to learn how to convey or share all that you have; it is worthless to have, if kept to yourself)

Things like that are what make me think I may have studied Buddhism in a past life. So much of what I learn seems like something I already knew or thought.
That is the only argument I have found in my life for believing in reincarnation.

search for truth

Suppose a man goes to the forest to get some of the pith that grows in the center of a tree and returns with a burden of branches and leaves, thinking that he has secured what he went after; would he not be foolish, if he is satisfied with the bark, endoderm, or wood for the pith which he was after? But that is what many people are doing.

A person seeks a path that will lead him away from birth, old age, sickness and death, or from lamentation, sorrow, suffering and agony; and yet, he follows the path a little way and notices some little advance, and immediately becomes proud and conceited and domineering. He is like the man who sought pith and went away satisfied with a burden of branches and leaves.

Another man becoming satisfied with the progress he has made by a little effort, relaxes his effort and becomes proud and conceited; he is carrying away only a load of branches instead of the pith he was seeking.

Still another man finding that his mind is becoming calmer and his thoughts clearer, he, too, relaxes his effort and becomes proud and conceited; he has a burden of bark instead of the pith he was looking for.

Then again, another man becomes proud and conceited because he notices that he has gained a measure of intuitive insight; he has a load of the woody fiber of the tree instead of the pith. All of these seekers, who become easily satisfied by their insufficient effort and become proud and over-bearing, relax their efforts and easily fall into idleness. All these people will inevitably face suffering again.

Those who seek the true path to Enlightenment must not expect any offer of respect, honor or devotion. And further, they must not aim with a slight effort, at a trifling advance in calmness or knowledge or insight.

First of all, one should get clearly in mind the basic and essential nature of this world of life and death.

The Way of Practical Attainment