When I used to sit around in Tennessee, I kept thinking "I should be doing something else." I hated that feeling, and I associated it with sitting around doing nothing (i.e., watching TV, or surfing the internet). While I was in Tucson I tried to get out a lot, but eventually got lazy again, and so when I moved to Seattle, I hit the ground running (nevermind my first two weeks, when I just sat around depressed). Hiking/camping in the rain forest! Walking, constantly! Always downtown, doing something, or at home reading or talking with Jenn or on the phone.
Since I came back from Tennessee, I've been more on the lazy side: spending my days off in the living room; hardly ever making it downtown; not looking for adventures to have.
And yet I haven't felt bad about it. I do, when I think about it, but when I think of how I've been using my time, I don't feel bad. I do watch TV, especially when Josh is home, since it's usually on. But a decent percentage of time, I've been reading or meditating, and the results have been crazy. I feel I'm more myself than usual. I feel more connected with others (this, especially, is a result of some of the reading I've done).
Last night, though, I was really worked up. I don't know what it was about yesterday, but I had a ton of energy while I was at work, and once I got home, it turned into racing thoughts. Josh and I watched Bigger Stronger Faster, a documentary about steroids, and I was thinking in so many tangents to the subjects tackled that the movie seemed to be five hours long (it's actually 1h40m), and I even had to step out on the balcony to clear my head for a moment.
I've often thought about needing a break, but even when I have I thought it was a cop-out, just an excuse for me to be lazy for a bit. But I wonder if I don't just sometime need one. I think if last night had gone on like that much longer, I would have been physically sick; I eventually went to the store and bought beer to "put out the fire," so to speak.
But generally, things are really good. A few of the books I've read recently (Wild At Heart, Leadership and Self-Deception, and Captivating) have had profound and life-altering impacts on me. I would be grateful for the time to do some serious writing, except that, with the overwhelming speed of my thoughts, I don't know if I possibly could. I would be especially glad for the chance to just talk everything in my head out.
For now, though, I think I'm going to go be grateful for some Taco Bell. Mmmm.
