There was an army base in a dry county. The story goes: there were so many servicemen who died in drunk driving accidents, because they had to drive an hour away to drink.
My uncle incorporated a town just across the county line, and opened a liquor store. You know, to save lives. And to become a millionaire.
After the divorce, we didn't see or hear much about him. My aunt was the heart of the family, and he was just (to my child-mind) just some guy now.
I don't remember the last time I saw him. I was probably five, or younger. I know his kids, eventually, had not seen or heard from him for many, many years.
Then, one day, he just showed up. He came to the family house, and everybody was shocked and glad to see him.
He was no longer a millionaire; he was, in fact, destitute. And he said he had never been happier. He had not come around for money or support, he was just happy and wanted to be with his family.
Not long after, my cousin, his son, had met a Christian lady, and decided to convert to Catholicism. He was being confirmed and, because of his history with drugs, and all kinds of other terrible behaviours and habits, the whole family just had to see it. Call it perverse curiosity.
So my uncle had been welcomed back into the family just in time to attend the biggest reunion our family has ever had.
The next day, he was found dead in a lake. All signs suggested this was an intentional death. Nothing before suggested his intention. I choose to believe he had simply never been so happy before, and decided that was how he wanted to feel at the end of his life.
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Last week, I attended the largest reunion My chosen-family has ever seen. There were fourteen of us, and only one person I met for the first time. Everyone else, I had met over the past twenty years.
It was so lovely, so loving. A culmination of so many paths, beginnings and ends, joys and heartaches.
I went into this, thinking of my uncle.
The past ten years of my life have been the worst ten years of my life, I think. I did not show up at this party at my pinnacle; I came to see the end of a hard time, and to set an intention to move forward well, in the company of such great hearts.
I promised myself, so many years back, that I would not kill myself. It is maybe the only promise I have ever kept, and I will keep it.
I am not my uncle, but I want to know what he knew, that next morning.
I am still wondering, and wandering, and lost.
