I called the temp agency to let them know I was available to work. They said they could get me in today, just have to fill out some paperwork at the office first, how soon could I be there?
Honestly? Thirty minutes. What I said? Maybe noon (it was 8:45). She said they'll be at lunch, come by at 1:00. I'll do the paperwork, but most likely won't work until tomorrow.
Convenience. Comfort. Whatever fight I have in me is because I see my willingness to bow to these things as a weakness. Not that those things make a person weak, but that I am weak against them. Like smoking & drinking & television as well -- I am wary of anything I can't not do. To be comfortable is not bad. To give in to comfort is. Like any action, its value is determned by the intention behind it. Even now I could shower, leave, be at the temp agency by 9:45. Even now. And now.
I was spoiled as a child. In 4th grade, I wasn't feeling well one day. The teacher asked me "Why don't you call your mom & have her take you home?" I had no idea that was an option. It became an option I exercised often. Once I'm allowed an inch, I'll take it and more. And never let it go. I never skipped school, but I went home early a lot. I allow conflicts and confusions in my relationships to be pacified rather than resolved. I called out of 25% of my shifts at T-Mobile. I work 1% harder than the person in good standing who works least. And even all of that wouldn't seem bad, except for I can see what it cost me. That's why I look at my tendencies like those as weaknesses.
Like the first line in the book Duende says, "Often we end up doing what we almost want to do because we lack the courage to do what we really want to do."
WHEN I make the "better" choice, it's not because I simply have the will to do the hard thing. It is because I have decided to view certain things as costly, and I don't care to pay the price they demand. But still, so often, I do give in.
Even now, I could get to the office by 10:00. But they said 1:00, and my weaker self says, "it's good enough, if not better, to appear willing, rather than to be willing."
And even though I KNOW I can go, and even though I KNOW the cost ($80+) (which is 4x all the money I have now), and even though I have NO reason to want to stay home, here I am.
Why do I settle for this??
It's a matter of separating myself from my choice. As an external force, my will is overpowering. But if I see myself as I actuaally am, empowered with my choice inside of me, this changes.
But, I'm still here. Because if I DON'T welcome that choice into me, if it remains an external force, then I am not accountable. "It's not my fault. I'm broken."
Well, isn't that what "my FAULT" means? It IS my fault.
And thus, "fault" becomes associated with "accountability."
Until I moved to Seattle, I used the name "fracturedguy." hat was how I saw myself. Inherently flawed. "Can you spot the break?"
But then I realized that I was just holding onto that illusion as an excuse. I was maintaining a constant excuse to do things I didn't even care to do.
Today Im not doing that. I have no excuse.
I am VERY good at making excuses, though. That is an almost direct result of going home sick in 4th grade. After so many times, they start to ask, Court, are you REALLY sick? The response? "Yes." Changing your story damages your credibility. Even a 4th grader knows that. But next time I wasn't "sick." I found some other excuse. Be unpredictable, be creative. Once they know one trick, move on to another. (I think you know this, too.)
I knew my weaknesses when I left Tennessee. I was very familiar with them, as I'd been their captive for years. I could anticipate the excuses that I would throw across my path, and I made ready. If I had waited until nearer the end, they would have been prepared for me. I bought my ticket to Hawaii, from Phoenix, for July, in March. I encouraged my roommates to move into a new place that wouldn't have room for me. Once those pieces were in place, quitting my job became the more convenient choice, so I knew I would do it.
I outsmarted myself, that time. I know I can do it.
Sometimes knowing you can do something is an impediment in itself. I know how to manage my weaknesses to get on the road. So, no worries. I'm free as a bird. I can clean this house over a week or months or a year. I can do whatever I want.
So why don't I?
Some of what I know of self-discipline comes from being shy--I learned to watch my mouth, to not act out, and so much more, out of a desire to not be noticed. When I would stay with my aunt Jo, she would spoil me rotten. Her kids would talk about how spoiled I was, so I felt foolish & guilty. So I became quiet, never asking for anything. (Not that that stopped Aunt Jo from spoiling me.)
The next I learned of self-discipline came from taking Tae Kwon Do. I couldn't tell you what I learned, and if it was part of the instruction, I was never aware of it. I found it through the awe and appreciation of motion.
People signing up for a lesson in martial arts expect to learn how to punch & kick, But they already have knowledge of punching and kicking, and apply what they already know to what they are learning. There was much, however, of what was beng taught that could be applied to what we already knew. We were given instruction on what to do, but also how to do it, and why to do it that way. Words and demonstration were only half. The other half came from doing. With the theory my instructor's teacher had established, I could see how the more right the motion, the more right it felt. A right-hand punch has much to do with the muscles on the left side, and we were taught to pay attention to that. We were taught the yin and the yang of every single movement. I could see that I was so much more focused in general after any week in whch I had attended three or more classes. I remember kneeling on the floor, staring at a spot on the wall (this was years before I learned anything about meditation) while others sparred. I remember the moment where I consciously thought, "You are becoming self-disciplined."
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